Sunday, September 25, 2016

This journey I'm on.

So much time has passed since my last blog post, too much to really play catch up. There have been many times I have sat at the computer with a heart full of things to post, and just not quite knowing where to begin. So I will begin with my current journey. I haven't really found a name for this journey yet. Maybe it should be "journey to joy" or "#momlife". Haha. As usual, this post will be raw and real.

Quick catch up. This year in May, Babe and I celebrated 6 years of marriage and in July, 2 years of Texas living. August brought my 30th birthday (WHAT?!!?) , our girls turning 3 and 1 (WHAT WHAT!?!?!?),  and, drum roll please . . . the news that baby #3 is on it's way (SURPRISE!!!!!!).

If you would have told the 20 year old me what the 30 year old me would be like, I think my reaction would have been that of disbelief. I've only been a mom for 3 years. But what a journey it has been.
I am so blessed that our financial situation allows me to stay home with my girls. But in that, I struggle to find joy in the day to day of motherhood. The 20 year old me was adventurous, fun, made friends easily and loved life with every fiber. The 30 year old me has struggled to find joy, finds it difficult to make friends while juggling kids and tasks, and some days, can't wait for the day to just end. 

This is not a "pity me post" or a post to get comments of "you're such a great mother". This is my journey. This is where I am currently at, but where I know and choose not to stay. It's a season. ((I also recognize that there are so many ladies who would LOVE to be mamas and cannot. My heart hurts for you. I recognize that this post may seem like a slap in the face to you, when all you want is what I have. I am simply telling my story. Please hear my heart))

"Lord, what about this season do you want me to lean in and GET?" Since having A, I feel I have been in a constant refining and pruning process. And it hurts. It's not fun. It's yucky. Bitterness, resentment and anger have surfaced and reared their ugly heads. I sometimes think to myself "who are you?!" Is it because my babies are just horrible little things? Nope. It's the crap in me that for years has gone untouched and not dealt with, and now, God is using these little munchkins to make me look in the mirror and really deal with things. (I'm sure lack of solid sleep for almost 3 years straight has something to do with it too! Hahaha)

It hasn't been a pretty season. There have been many, many tears. But daily I (and my 3 year old) will remind myself to choose joy. It is a daily battle that some days I lose or choose to not fight. But when I choose to believe what my faith says over how I feel, I am victorious. My heart's cry is that on the other side of this process, there will be jewels that come out of the ashes. And so, a bit grudgingly, I embrace this season. Because I know that with perseverance, I will grow and evolve. Not into perfection, of course. But hopefully into a more confident, loving and compassionate person. 

Why have I shared all this? I'm still not sure. Maybe because I know I am not alone on this hard journey of motherhood and another mama needed the encouragement to know that they are not alone. Or maybe you are in a different kind of hard season and needed the reminder to daily choose joy. Wherever this blog lands, I pray that it will encourage and bring hope. 

What journey are YOU on. Whether hard or joyous, I would love to hear your story. And I would love to pray for you. Please email me! 

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